Chapter 8: The Previous Me, The Current Me
"That's the correct answer from you."
It was Saturday afternoon, thirteen o'clock, at my home before the counseling session.
As Asuka stood in the kitchen, she listened to my story and let out a sigh.
The smell of fish wafted through the living room, and I worried if it was burning.
While wiping the dining table, I responded to Asuka.
"Is that so? Honestly, it doesn't feel like the right answer to me."
Since Asuka didn't respond, I continued.
"Although it didn't seem like I was directly being bullied, it doesn't change the fact that I abandoned someone in a bad situation."
I put extra strength into the towel sliding across the dining table.
The slight dirt that had accumulated was absorbed into the pure white towel.
Two days had passed since witnessing Hina and Yumesaki's encounter.
Time had passed, but I still couldn't remove the burden from my chest, so I told Asuka the whole situation and sought her advice.
However, the response I received was unexpectedly cold.
"Even if those two were having a disagreement, isn't that their problem?"
"But someone is in trouble."
Ayaka appeared in the living room, holding a burnt mackerel miso stew from the kitchen.
Usually, I would make a sarcastic remark about the burnt mackerel, but I wasn't in the mood right now.
For some reason, it didn't even occur to Asuka to make a sarcastic comment from the beginning. She lined up her words as if advising me.
"Listen, if you help every person you find in trouble, there will be no end to it in your future. You need to draw a line somewhere."
Asuka returned to the kitchen, turned off the lights, and then looked back at me.
"Actually, you thought the same way, didn't you? That's why you didn't forcefully intervene with Hina-chan. Since you made that decision once, just stay that way."
Her words exposed what was in my heart, and I involuntarily fell silent.
"Is that... cold?"
"Is it?"
Considering the agreement between us, I thought we had some kind of bond.
But judging by Ayaka's reaction, it seemed that wasn't the case at all.
Perhaps sensing what was in my heart, Asuka shrugged her shoulders and approached me.
"Of course. We're just girlfriends, right? We only gather around you, but we're strangers to each other. We're even close to being enemies, rather than girlfriends."
Asuka sat down on the chair in front of the dining table and continued.
"Besides, Yumesaki-san is the only faction among the three major factions who has a proper faction. It's better not to go against her with a half-hearted attitude. You're more important to me."
"...Better not go against her, huh? Hina also said something with that nuance. Is it also a reason?"
It didn't seem like Asuka would give such advice based solely on being the leader. After all, Asuka was the leader of one of the three major factions, just like Yumesaki. Although I've never seen the group.
As I thought, Asuka scratched her head.
"Well, you might know eventually, and it's fine for me to tell you, but don't meddle in unnecessary things, okay?"
"Okay."
"Really?"
"Seriously."
When I lifted the corners of my mouth, Asuka narrowed her eyes in silence.
But without further investigation, she spoke up.
"Oh, even though she may not look like it, she's the heiress of a famous company. I only know a part of it, excluding her entourage, though."
Heiress.
Heiress of a famous company.
"Huh, an heiress!? That's completely different from what I imagined!"
"Yes. You still have that knowledge, right? You should remember the Yumesaki Group."
In response to Asuka question, I searched my brain.
Three seconds, four seconds─
"Well... I don't remember."
"Why don't you remember!?"
Asuka interjected in surprise.
"Despite it being so famous... was I that much of an idiot? Well, it's a sensitive issue, so let's leave it at that."
"Are you sure about leaving it at that? You were just dissing me a moment ago."
"Maybe you misremembered."
"Don't underestimate my memory!"
I protested vehemently while placing chopsticks in front of Ayaka.
But Ayaka calmly clasped her hands together and said, "Let's eat," taking the chopsticks placed in front of her.
Before starting to eat, I hurriedly asked Ayaka a question.
"What would you do if Yumesaki did the same thing to me?"
The chopsticks that were heading towards the burnt mackerel stopped abruptly.
Asuka slowly raised her gaze and showed a slight gesture of contemplation.
Then she clenched her fist.
"For starters, I'd punch Yumesaki in the face!"
"But wouldn't things just escalate instead of calming down!? I feel like it would lead to a huge conflict!"
"Of course. You're my boyfriend, after all. I won't let some disrespectful woman who dares to touch someone else's boyfriend walk away unscathed. I'll make her understand that," she said, her voice filled with determination.
"It's scary, scary! Your statement is violent and scary! Who do you think you are, a gang leader?"
As I showed a frightened expression, Asuka blinked her eyes.
Then she casually replied.
"I'm not a gang leader, but I did have a rough period, remember? I won't actually punch anyone. Don't be so scared, okay?"
"I'm scared because I feel like you might actually punch someone..."
"Listen, I'm not causing trouble for others."
While combing her hair, Asuka said those words and looked a little distant.
And as if changing his mind, he opened his mouth. "Well, I did rely on your family, you know."
"I see. Well, I guess my mother didn't mind either."
"I think that's true for my mother. But I don't know if she cared about you? That's what was good about it."
"I-I see."
"Hmm? What is it?"
──"That was good."
I was a little concerned about the past tense, but since we were talking about that time, there was no ulterior motive. I cast my eyes down.
Could it be that there was a slightly awkward atmosphere in the air?
The savory smell of simmered mackerel helped soothe my heart, and I let out a small breath. There's no point in dwelling on things that can't be changed now.
"By the way, if you have that much strength, couldn't you easily stop Yumesaki?"
"Don't compare it to a guys' fight. Once there's a clash, it's over, but that's not how girls' relationships work."
That's why I have no choice but to be cautious. But for my sake, she would step in without considering those risks. For Asuka, it's not the same.
Can I be satisfied with this straightforward thought process?
──By the end of today's counseling session, I'll make a decision. Right now, I want to enjoy this lunch.
There was already one solution that came to mind. It was a plan that could only be realized if I had a certain level of popularity.
If it goes well, ──there's a possibility that this lunch could be the last, too.
Facing each other across the table, we put our hands together and said, "Let's eat."
While pouring water into my glass, I asked. I handed Asuka her glass first, and then poured water into my own.
Asuka received the glass and replied, "Thanks."
A drink before the meal. Asuka and I simultaneously finished drinking the water and placed our empty glasses on the table.
When I picked up the charred simmered mackerel with my chopsticks, the skin cracked open. From inside, the tender flesh came apart as if melting.
I had thought it would be completely burnt, so it was a surprising fact. I scooped up the miso-infused flesh and put it in my mouth.
...It's warm.
I savor the taste of home cooking on my tongue. It seems that appearances can be deceiving, and even if it looks completely black, it can still taste delicious.
Despite using the solution that suddenly came to mind earlier, I wonder if this moment will still remain intact.
Pondering this, I chew the food. "It's incredibly delicious..."
"Right? The omelette rice was just a lucky coincidence."
Asuka lowers the corners of her eyes and eats in the same way. It's a blissful moment.
After enjoying the meal in silence for several tens of seconds, Asuka looks down at her own smartphone and furrows her brow.
"...Hmm, what time was the counseling appointment?"
"Hmm... At's... 14:00."
"At's 13:29 now. How far is it from your house to the hospital?"
"...About 30 minutes." Asuka blinks her eyes.
There are 31 minutes left until the counseling appointment. Just one more minute.
Well, maybe around 50 seconds. As Asuka gradually interprets the meaning, she suddenly slams her hand on the table and stands up.
"What are you leisurely eating for!? We're going, you'll be late!"
"Ouch, ouch, ouch, I can go, I can walk by myself!"
While being dragged by the ear and almost falling off the chair, I leave my home. Once again, I silently make a modest wish that I'll be able to eat this meal again.
◇◆
"Sorry for being just in time!"
As soon as I sit down, I apologize, and the doctor shakes his head. And then, as if anything would do as long as I made it, he starts speaking.
"Well then, shall we review your situation once again?"
"Y-yes... please."
The difference in energy levels makes me feel like I'm catching a cold. When I think that this is a hospital, I feel out of place.
The doctor hands several papers to the familiar nurse and shares some information. Judging from the serious expression on the nurse's face, it's certain that they haven't written any mundane information like love triangles.
"Although we can identify the type of amnesia, we haven't been able to determine the cause. In terms of the situation... it was an unfortunate accident, but you yourself are mostly unharmed. No abnormalities were found in your brain."
"So, my memories disappeared without any abnormalities in my brain. The brain is scary, isn't it?"
I shrug my shoulders. Perhaps because of my casual response, the nurse standing behind the doctor chuckles softly.
Despite the fact that my affair was exposed, our relationship remains surprisingly good. Perhaps this is what they call adult composure.
The doctor briefly glances at the nurse and quickly returns their gaze to me.
"That's right. Or perhaps even if there were abnormalities, modern medicine may not be able to detect them. It's uncertain in that regard."
If the doctor says so, then it must be true. There's a part of me that can't help but take the words of someone who has much more knowledge than I do at face value.
"Wow... so the brain is really complicated, huh?"
I respond in a lighthearted tone, causing the doctor to smile wryly. It seems there's something the doctor thinks about my attitude.
But it's not like I'm maintaining this stance to intentionally trouble the doctor. Regular counseling sessions are, to put it bluntly, something I'm not good at. During this time, I feel like I'm being told that I'm a missing piece as a human being.
Well, to be honest, there's nothing wrong with that statement. To a healthy person, someone with sixteen years of missing memories is undoubtedly abnormal.
But going to a place where that fact is once again confronted is still difficult for me. If I can't lighten the atmosphere even just a bit during counseling, my mood always drops afterward.
But today, I can't afford to say such things. Nervousness mixed with tension, I decide to change the subject.
"By the way, even though I lost my memories, I was discharged surprisingly quickly, right? I thought it would take a few more weeks."
"Ah, yes. In that sense, it was fortunate that Sanada-kun is a high school student and had his student ID with him."
"Huh? Why?"
Regardless of whether this situation is fortunate or not, I fail to grasp the true meaning behind the words and let out a clueless voice.
It was meant as a topic change to lighten the mood, but the response unintentionally piques my interest. The doctor casually strings together the words, "Think about it."
"If an adult like you hadn't brought any form of identification with you. An adult without any means to prove their identity would have no one to take them in unless they were reunited with acquaintances."
I recall the moment I realized that I had zero memories of people I knew.
No matter how hard I tried to recall the past, all that came to mind was a blank canvas, that moment when everything disappeared.
"If there hadn't been a report from someone you knew to the police, it would have been a mess. You would have had to go through procedures at the municipal office and wait for your memories to return in a free or low-cost lodging facility. Since there's no guarantee that your memories will come back, you would have had to consider reacquiring your family registry as well."
"W-wait... that was close, I endured it..."
Hearing the reality, a shiver runs down my spine. This time, because I had my student ID, it connected to my parents' contact information through the school, and my identity was confirmed.
Although I haven't contacted my father myself, my medical expenses were paid without delay. Thanks to the intervention of.
Yukawa-sensei or something, a message was sent to Asuka, my childhood friend, and she was by my side when I woke up. If Asuka hadn't been by my side when I woke up, I might have fallen into severe confusion.
Through my conversation with Asuka, I was able to quickly realize that I had no memories of my own. In that sense, Asuka's visit was more helpful than anything.
Even though things got extremely confusing with the three girlfriends afterward, well, even considering that... It's appropriate to consider it fortunate. It's true that in the midst of misfortune, there is a stroke of luck.
"Memory loss is something that normally only exists in the world of dramas and movies, right? Just because I ended up lost in that kind of world, I must say, I'm quite fortunate, aren't I?"
As I return those words, the nurse standing behind the doctor rolls her eyes and loosens her cheek with an exasperated expression.
The doctor, too, seemed to share a similar sentiment with the nurse regarding my recent response, and a particularly gentle smile appeared on their face.
"I see. In that case, memory loss is much more common than you imagine. It becomes a popular subject in dramas and movies, so it's natural to think that way."
"Are there many people like me in reality?"
"No, not that many. It's the reality that research is difficult because there are few patients who don't immediately face a life-threatening condition, but a certain degree of treatment for memory loss has been established. So there are patients to some extent."
"Oh... I see. Then, about that treatment..."
"Every time I explain, you ask the same question. Looks like you haven't been listening to me at all, huh?"
"That's not true. I was just about to say it!" I hurriedly shake my head.
I remember everything, but I just want to confirm important things multiple times. The doctor sighed and opened their mouth. It would be very frustrating to be thought of as having a bad memory.
"I've mentioned this in several counseling sessions before. It's for you to place yourself in a stress-free environment. That's the easiest and most effective treatment option with the highest potential."
"I was just about to say that..."
I say, feeling the need to confirm every time. Because until I heard about the treatment, I thought I had to search for the underlying cause to recover my memories.
The doctor narrowed their eyes as if they could see through my previous thoughts.
"It's for the sake of your own health... Sanada-kun. Are you devoting yourself to enhancing your physical and mental well-being above all else? If you have close relationships, don't hesitate to seek their support... Are you doing that properly?"
"Well... Regarding seeking support, I feel a bit selfish, but..."
"It's not selfish. It's part of the treatment. First, focus on yourself to a certain extent. You've been neglecting your own health and prioritizing others too much."
"I was just about to say that. Why does it seem like I haven't heard anything?"
I close my mouth and exhale through my nose. I'm not neglecting my own health, and I believe I'm relying on others. I honestly can't think of relying on anyone else any further.
"Well, if that's the case, it's fine. At least until you regain your memories, place yourself in the most comfortable environment for you. And try to avoid uncomfortable places as much as possible."
The doctor places the medical record on the table and turns towards me.
"Unexpected triggers for remembering things don't always have to be a series of miracles."
"I understand... I mean, it's not like fragments of memories or clues are lying behind a vending machine or anything."
I say while picturing Asuka's face in my mind.
"The doctor nodded, speaking in a voice that resembled advising a child. 'We're not trying to search for clues before your memory loss or play with your emotions. The main focus is for you to be liberated from psychogenic stress. You should consider it as a fundamental requirement for memory recovery.'"
"If I were to strictly follow the doctor's words, I would be making quite indulgent judgments about myself. These words should be convenient for me in my current state."
"'Confronting the past you have built up yourself'—that's a topic for after regaining your memories," the doctor said, adding, "Of course, I will continue to consult with specialists on your behalf."
I realized that the usual round of questioning was about to begin, so I hurriedly intervened. "Wait a moment..."
"Hmm?"
The doctor stopped and returned a serious gaze as he looked at my expression.
"I want to willingly immerse myself in an environment that seems stressful... In that case, will my memories never return?"
I asked, picturing Hinano's face in my mind. Trying to defy Yumesaki, the leader of the faction, could potentially lead to significant stress in my school life. This line of thinking itself could become a source of stress, as the doctor had mentioned.
Moreover, if I were to execute the solution I currently have in mind, it would undoubtedly result in excessive stress.
"Stop it," the doctor replied, and the nurse behind him reprimanded, "Don't be foolish."
However, I was dead serious.
"Well then, let me ask you this: What would you do if you witnessed bullying right in front of you? Although there is no confirmation yet, if it were to happen, I believe I could rely on those around me and help out."
Understanding the situation, the nurse blinked in surprise.
The doctor put on a stern face and sighed.
"...Ethically, it's admirable, but you're right. There's no guarantee that prioritizing memories will bring them back. So, wouldn't it be better for me to take action now?"
"While there's no guarantee, the chances of them returning do increase. Don't you want them to come back?" The nurse reacted to my words.
"Which is more important to you: your memories or your ethical values?"
"That's..." I faltered in my response and shifted my gaze to the doctor.
Then, the doctor spoke in my place.
"It's your memories."
"I see..."
"There are times when running away is the winning move. As a doctor, that's all I can say."
So, if it turns out to be bullying and it causes stress, I should abandon it. The doctor looked down at the medical chart.
The usual round of questioning began.
This counseling session, which was likely the umpteenth time including my hospitalization, didn't register with me this time.
◇◆
"How was the counseling? Any signs of your memories returning?"
"No, not at all. Absolutely nothing."
"What's with that? Are you even motivated?"
Asuka's voice sharpened with dissatisfaction, and she looked up at the sky.
A slightly cold breeze blew.
To change my mood, I glanced around my surroundings.
The riverbed on the way home.
Although it's a tributary similar to the river on the commuting route, it has narrowed significantly.
A few junior high school students, who were about a size smaller, were playing there.
Perhaps they were on their way back from club activities.
As I turned to the side, Asuka narrowed her eyes with a nostalgic expression.
Splash.
I heard the sound of water splashing and shifted my gaze back.
A male junior high school student with rolled-up uniform pants had entered the river.
Did I also have a phase like that in the past?
...I don't feel like there was.
If anything, it seems like something the current me would do.
"Hey, Asuka."
"Yeah, what?"
"The previous me... is completely different from the current me, right?"
"Huh?"
Asuka averted her gaze from the junior high school students and blinked.
"Well... yeah, I guess. It's quite different. Not completely different, though."
"I thought so."
I gave a short answer and scratched my head.
The questions I'm about to ask require quite a bit of energy.
"I used to have a pretty good reputation despite being someone who often acted alone."
Asuka raised her gaze for a moment and loosened her lips.
"Oh... well, you noticed, huh? Yeah, you were quite respected."
Asuka didn't mention that it was because of her and Arisugawa.
...She's being considerate, isn't she?
"That's all thanks to you and Arisugawa, right?"
Asuka blinked.
"Did Hina tell you that? You took it at face value, huh?"
"Well, yeah."
In response to my answer, Asuka fell silent and lowered her gaze.
Come to think of it, the previous me had a tendency to insist on verifying things with my own eyes.
It seemed like Asuka was somewhat disappointed with my current thought process.
"...Sorry."
"Huh? What for?"
Asuka said that and turned her azure eyes towards me.
And then, Asuka exhaled and continued speaking.
"Are you an idiot? Just because you were close to me and Saki, it doesn't mean your reputation would improve, right?"
"Huh?"
I didn't expect her to defend me in this situation.
"People said you had a certain maturity about you. From my perspective, back then you were just avoiding relationships... Well, I guess it depends on how you look at it."
"A, a certain maturity? Me? Seriously?"
I couldn't imagine having that quality in my current self.
Being indifferent to my surroundings is also far from who I am now.
"Yeah. Usually, guys who stand out are just fools, right? But you, your composure made you stand out because of your friendship with Saeki. It was just the novelty factor that caught people's attention."
Asuka spoke while looking into the distance.
"...Normally, just being composed wouldn't make you stand out. That's where you should be grateful to Saki."
Asuka deliberately excluded herself from that statement.
She must think that most of the reason for my reputation was because Arisugawa is a famous model.
"...I see. Well, can I ask about the reason we fought then?"
"You didn't even say 'well' at all, did you?"
Asuka closed her mouth, seemingly at a loss for a response.
I had asked this question when I first realized my amnesia and when she visited me at my home.
Both times, I received unfavorable reactions.
...She still won't tell me, huh?
I gave up and let my gaze fall on the gently flowing river.
Then, unexpectedly, an answer came.
"Because you didn't rely on me."
"Huh?"
"That's why I was mad. I got angry one-sidedly and distanced myself from you."
Asuka spoke in a nonchalant tone.
"If you don't want to say it, you don't have to. But what's the reason for accepting Arisugawa and Hina.. all three of your girlfriends?"
The wind blew. For May, it was a dry and brisk breeze.
"...Maybe it's because I don't have the right to bind you."
"What do you mean--"
"When your memories come back, you'll naturally remember those things."
After Asuka gave a brief answer, she turned to face me.
"That's why. When your memories return, make sure to rely on me properly."
"...I want to rely on you. But I don't know if I'll remember this exchange."
At least, in my current state, I want to rely on Asuka.
But the "current me" and the "previous me" have such different ways of being as individuals.
The more I listen to her, the more she feels like a stranger to me.
Among the people I interact with, Minato Asuka is the one who brings the most tranquility to my heart.
The version of me before distancing myself from Asuka feels even more disconnected from my current self.
Above all, there's the matter of being involved with three different girls.
I should have noticed that Hina and Yumemaki were having a dispute.
The previous me, however, easily overlooked things that the current me can't ignore and agonizes over.
"...You're planning to help her, aren't you?"
"Huh?"
"...If Hina-chan were in danger. You definitely intend to help her, right?"
It was a quiet question.
That's why I can feel Asuka's conviction behind it.
"Yeah. Because I can't just overlook it."
Asuka quietly stared at me.
Each blink made her long eyelashes sway.
What is she trying to see through me with those blue eyes?
Surely, she...
"...I understand."
Asuka sighed as if resigning herself.
"...Just to make sure, I'll ask you. If you're going to help her, what are you planning to do?"
"...As expected of my girlfriend."
"Don't tease me. Do you want to be punched?"
"I definitely don't want to be punched!"
"Well, you better not provoke her then!"
Asuka is indeed kind. That's why I don't want to involve her, but ultimately, I should make sure that she doesn't end up being inconvenienced. I had considered my options, but this plan could also tarnish my reputation. Asuka let out a deep sigh after listening to me.
"Do you even realize what will happen to your school life if you do that?"
"Yeah, well... it'll probably fall apart, won't it?"
"You're being foolish! If that's the case, then I don't want to cooperate! Hina-chan might be a good girl, but why do you feel the need to do this in your current state?"
"Because it's the current me who has to do it."
With words that resembled a wish, Asuka fell silent.
"...Do you realize that you'll be in trouble until your memories come back?"
"Fine by me. Well, I'll figure something out. The future me seems resourceful."
"You're in trouble even now, which is why I'm saying this."
"Well, that's perfectly fine."
"Why?"
Should I give a straightforward answer or beat around the bush?
"...Have you ever thought about what will happen to the current me once my memories return?"
"I don't know... Maybe you'll just go back to how you were before? I can't say for sure."
Go back.
But what will happen to the current personality I have?
There's a possibility that the time I've been building up now will simply fade into oblivion once my memories return.
Even if I regain my memories successfully, if the post-memory return me discards all the memories I've acquired during my amnesia as worthless, it would be no different from forgetting them.
The current me, as a being, would become meaningless.
I clenched my fist and looked up at the sky.
Two dragonflies circled and disappeared. The vast and empty sky, so overwhelming it becomes disheartening, dominated my field of vision.
While I was in the hospital room, I read two novels that Asukawa had brought as gifts.
Both books featured protagonists with amnesia.
One was a youth novel, where the main character, along with their friends, gathered fragments of their memories to reclaim their youth. Despite sharing a similar situation, I couldn't relate to it at all.
The other was a fantasy novel, where the protagonist accepted their amnesia and embarked on a new life with new companions. I found this one much more enjoyable to read. I envied the process of building a new life from a blank slate.
Perhaps the reason I separate my current self and my past self in terms of personality is because my previous memories are entirely blank. We live by building upon our past.
The people around us reflect ourselves like mirrors. Relationships with others are the path of human existence. The process of reconstructing those relationships is synonymous with rebirth.
"...I'll help you, but in return, tell me," Asuka said, her expression unusually tense as she looked at me.
"...It's obvious, isn't it? That's why I'm going to school."
Tears overflowed from the gray clouds.
This unsettling feeling in my chest is something I mustn't acknowledge.
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